BDSM 102 with Midori
Author: Midori
Illustrated by The Sex Ed
In BDSM 101, we got all of the info on BDSM basics from author, artist, podcast guest and sexpert Midori. In part two, Midori discusses easing into BDSM; how to meet kink-curious people IR, and her cutting edge Kink Awareness Certification program with the Sexual Health Alliance. She also answers The Sex Ed community’s pressing questions about safe words, aftercare, the difference between pain and pleasure, and more!
What are some of the best activities to ease into BDSM? What are very common BDSM practices?
Telling versus asking is a really fine way to start. If we're easing into playing with sensation, but if we were to combine dominance and that gets too challenging, instead of like, "I'm the boss of the bedroom tonight," just say, "Okay, I want to play with sensations and you tell me when you want more of something. I'm going to trust you on this. Okay, so now I'm going to pinch your nipple," during regular sex play, pinching nipple, pinching nipple, and I'm, "Okay, do you want it harder? Yeah, give it harder. Can I take it harder? Yeah, harder. Okay, ease up."
So we can do the buildup on the intensity, and what that allows is me, who doesn’t want to harm you and I'm not comfortable with reading your mind and I shouldn't have to read your mind, but this is something new so you're going to guide me as to that level of sensation you want to experience tonight.
How do you come up with a safe word that doesn't take you out of the mood?
The first thing to consider is that some people, in their state of pleasure, may be non-verbal. It may be different for each person. Maybe I get non-verbal when I'm sex high and you are totally verbal in the middle of sex high. My safe word should be something that doesn't have to be words. Maybe I tap three times, like tapping out in wrestling. Also, if we're using a gag or anything, activities that might be blocking the mouth, or maybe I have my face in the pillow. Maybe it's some sort of a hand signal.
Keep it short, keep it simple. If you're using a word, fewer syllables the better, and if we are playing any sort of role-playing or make-believe games, it's a word that's outside of that context. A really simple one that a lot of people use would be the color of the traffic lights, and that's a simple one for a lot of people, but it might not work for somebody who goes non-verbal. Make an agreement mutually as to what each of your safe words or safe signals are beforehand.
What kind of mental or physical preparation does someone need when they're moving into BDSM?
Time and space. Think about that. You want to allow for more time than you think is necessary because you want time to enjoy the afterglow. You want more time than necessary, and in terms of space, what are the things in the space that may distract you or put you back into everyday life? I had a student who, she realized, that if her bedroom closet door was open and she could see her laundry, it kept her from going into that fun, super-present mind state. If the phone or any electronic device may distract you, then you need to deal with that.
Think first in terms of what are the things that take you back to your everyday life. Also, simple environmental things: is the room too bright, too dark, too cold, too warm? What are the variables that allow you to be fully present? That'll vary from person to person, but think about it that way and it may be an easier way to manage your playtime and your play space.
What is the safest way to tie wrists and ankles when practicing bondage?
The safest way is using a ready-made commercial restraint that is snug enough not to fall off but just loose enough to rotate it easily, or maybe slip your little finger in. They have clips, they have buckles, they can attach, and you can change the length between them. I would follow that up with something like the sports wrap or a scarf. I don't suggest starting with rope because there's fumbling and getting used to it and then knots have a way of tightening or moving to a place that is uncomfortable. Another thing I like doing with ready-made cuffs, remember that long scarf?
Let's say I have separate cuffs on each wrist, and if I get tired of having my hands together and maybe I have my hands together above my head, imagine that, I'm on my back, and it's really bothering my shoulder. Then, the partner can unclip it and take that scarf and tie it to one end, tie it to my left wrist buckle and then run the scarf under my body and then tie it to the buckle on my right wrist. Then I can have my wrist restrained, but my body is holding the scarf down, so I, technically, can't move, but it's not bothering my shoulder.
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Is there something wrong with me psychologically if I crave pain or like to inflict pain during sex?
Only if it interferes with your daily functioning life and if it causes you emotional or life distress. Oftentimes, though, the emotional distress may come from the social stigma, so if we just strip it down to you like to give or receive more sensation, no. There's a range of sensations or that variation of range of sensation that people like. Is it causing distress in your relationship? Don't be a jackass and do this non-consensually.
In consensual sexual play or anything erotic, there's a whole range of sensations, and some of it's more intense than the other. I want to separate pain from intense sensation because a paper cut can cause pain. Sprained ankle is a pain. What happens with consent and excitement and fantasy, and the buildup of the scene, and the intimacy, causes the body to shift to interpreting the consensual sensation, the consensual stimuli.
If you're actually experiencing pain, that's a good time to stop, but let's separate out pain and more intense than usual sensation here.
Is aftercare necessary?
Aftercare is necessary for all parties, not just for the person that's bottoming. Aftercare is the period that one needs to regain equilibrium, and what each person needs for aftercare will vary. Some people want cuddles, some people want alone, some people want food, some people don't. Some people want talking, some people want no talking, but aftercare is highly recommended for all people so you can hold onto the good memory instead of having, essentially, a dopamine or emotional crash, because we just had a neurological excitement that comes with BDSM, you need to have an opportunity to settle that down.
Plan your aftercare in advance. Why do we need to plan our aftercare in advance? Well, if I need food afterwards to not have a dopamine and scene play crash, I might want to look around and make sure that there is a granola bar and some coconut water nearby. If it is that I want to cuddle and chat but you want to be alone and quiet, we need to figure out, for me to get cuddle and chat time and then for you to get your alone time. If we don't plan that in advance, each of us might feel rejected or put upon. There's going to be a little bit of planning needed, and aftercare is also a fantastic way to reintegrate into your full complex and daily self.
I have a great time going to furniture stores like IKEA, and looking around at kinky possibilities. There's some great stuff there. Pervertables is a whole category. Pervertables are ordinary objects that are maybe around your home that can be used for kinky purposes. For example, you know sports wraps or vet wraps? Those are great for simple, instant wrist restraints. You'll need a pair of safety scissors to cut it off, but it's made to be body-friendly and it's probably already in your medical cabinet. It's body-friendly, it's usually made in hypoallergenic material, so it doesn't cause skin issues. I get contact dermatitis from cheap plastic, but I'm not going to get that from vet wrap or sports wrap.
How do I balance respecting my partner while degrading them?
Ah, humiliation play. That's one of my specialties. Humiliation play, whether it's playing with embarrassment, humiliation or degradation, varies wildly from person to person, and what it is, is creating that psychological dissonance between the social performance of self and then temporarily breaking the rules of behavior. So we're playing with the systemic arousal that happens from breaking a social agreement, all right? It's playing with taboo and the feelings you get from breaking a taboo. How to respect while playing with humiliation and degradation, first, ask about words or activities, phrases, things that would turn them off. So find out about the turn-offs first and don't do that.
For one person being called stupid will be a turn-off, whereas for somebody else, they would giggle and find it naughtily hot, naughty hot. For some, being called a slut will be arousing, while somebody else would find it just really triggering. So ask at the beginning, "Are there words, phrases or actions that might leave you cold, bored or turned off?" This is a way to respect that this is for shared pleasure but also helps in respecting each other, because you also have to be able to respect yourself in doing this. This is where planning mutual aftercare, everyone's aftercare is really important, and by doing that aftercare of putting ourselves together is a way of engaging in respect and respecting our erotic desires.
How do you differentiate pain and pleasure and can you differentiate pain and pleasure?
Going back to my earlier comment, can we differentiate between intense sensation that is pleasurable and intense sensation that is not pleasurable? Pain is too broad of a term and may often also be specifically around clinical. I know plenty of people who have masochistic, in other words, intense sensation desires, who would never want a paper cut. I can make a room full of masochistic people wince just by saying two words, “paper cut.”
However, wanting or finding delight in intense sensation is common for most humans, and the degree of which you find intense sensation pleasurable may vary by your fatigue level, are you rested, what's your hormone levels, what's your general health, and it may also vary by medications you are on or your general emotive state in your life. Like if you're sad from grief, for some people, an intense sensation is an outlet for beautiful crying, for other people, if they're in a state of grief, intense sensation just might be too much. I know people whose desire for intense sensation have changed from before birthing a child to after birthing a child. So some sensations that we actively seek may be a weird combination of discomfort and delight.
A lot of people think of pleasure as genital. If we don't think of pleasure as just genitalia, if we think of it as delight and thrill, it might expand one's possibilities.
Do you think Fifty Shades of Grey portrayed BDSM well?
Every decade has a scandalous novel with something kinky in it, every decade. Fifty Shades of Grey was written as a formula genre fiction. The BDSM part was not realistically portrayed and there are many other exceptionally hot books out there that portray BDSM realistically and sexy, so do seek those out. What I liked about Fifty Shades of Grey is that it got people talking. It got people talking between generations, between friends, between partners. That there even is a question means that there's a discussion around, "Well, if this isn't accurate BDSM, what is?" So the BDSM in it, as well as just the depths of personality and the quality of writing, is pretty crappy, but it got people talking. But don't use the negotiation in the book. Just don't, just don't.
I'm done reading and watching about BDSM, how do I find like-minded people?
That depends on where you are. There are places online that list local events. These places online are virtual BDSM gathering places. It's a good source for where events are happening in your area, but it is a questionable source for accurate information because it's like saying, "is everyone on Facebook smart and kind?" No, they're not. There are a lot of stupid people, mean people, horrible people, and there are just as many kind and mean people on kinky websites. The event listings are great, and I know it sounds like a lot to say, "Go to something like a local kink social that is not around the play." A common thing that a lot of people do is find a munch. A munch is a social gathering where there's no play happening, oftentimes in an eating establishment. So the good side about a munch is that you get to meet people in a low stake situation in your area, and they know that you will be new and nervous. The downside of a munch is it's usually in a place with pretty crappy food. Have your dinner before.
Why I'm saying go to a place in person, is because online, a lot of people will give you a lot of bullshit, and whereas if you actually make that brave step to show up and meet people in person, you will be meeting others who have taken that brave step as well and it has a way of filtering out the toxic, the abusive and the bullshitters.
Where is the line when just kinky becomes BDSM?
Ask your partner that. It'll depend on each individual, but I lump in kink and BDSM altogether, and then the most productive question is to ask that particular partner, "Hey, do you consider BDSM and kink separate things or the same thing?" People use it so interchangeably that there is no line. There's only a way in which one perceives it. I just lump it together. An actual line between kink and BDSM is: will your post be deleted by that social media platform, because in certain social media platforms, if you use the word BDSM, that post will be deleted, whereas if you use the word kink, it won't be deleted, or vice versa. So I'm finding people using kink and BDSM cleverly and interchangeably influenced by the moral police of each social media platform.
Can you tell us more about the Kink Awareness Certification program that you've started?
Through the Sexual Health Alliance, we have created a certification program for sex educators, therapists, counselors, targeted to them, but it's also welcoming to the general public. It's specifically designed for helping professionals. You might be a hair stylist that deals with deep personal confessions, right? That's what happens with personal service. So if you are in the helping profession and you want to understand, realistically and compassionately, the realities and the strategies of kink and BDSM, this program is designed to train you to understand and have fluency and competency to be able to address the needs of your students, your clients, your population, your constituency in a way that is informed and sex-positive, compassionate and realistic.
It is also a certification program for sex educators, sex therapists, and marriage and family therapists. It will provide certification points for those who are in professional associations. More important than that, is it gives competency, fluency and understanding. You do not have to be kinky or engage in BDSM, you only need to be wanting to learn for the betterment of your people.
Considering that BDSM has been pathologized and stigmatized and even been in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual and various iterations of that as a pathology, and where the pathology is actually social stigma, not the behavior. Mental health professions and the helping professions are slowly coming around, in some places more than others. A kink non-competent therapist might have their own judgments and they have old sex narrative stereotypes. Let's say a couple comes in and they are kinky, BDSM, polyamorous, all that stuff, and they're having basic communication issues. A sex-negative or kink-negative or a kink-ignorant therapist might blame the kink as opposed to basic communication tools, and, boy, did that couple get, not only underserved, but probably got disruptive, destructive help.
I'm very excited to be part of the team making a better future possible!
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