BDSM 101 with Midori
Author: Midori
Illustrated by The Sex Ed
Have you ever been curious about kink? Fancy a little extra spice in your sex life? Fantasized about being tied up—or tying your partner up—but don’t know where and how to start? Here, we break down BDSM basics with author, artist, podcast guest, and (s)expert Midori. In this first of two parts, Midori walks us through the basics of BDSM; different classifications within the BDSM world; what it means to be vanilla; communicating new desires with a partner; and more!
What does BDSM stand for?
I'm going to give you two answers. One is the most commonly used definition, and the second answer is my definition of BDSM.
BDSM translates as bondage, dominance, submission and masochism. My definition of it is: childhood joyous play with adult sexual privilege and cool toys. It's like cops and robbers with shagging.
What does sadomasochism mean and what does masochism mean?
Sadism and masochism in the way that we're talking about, is not about clinical sadism, is not about cruelty or pain. Sadistic appetite is, in this sense, that you find creating intense sensation in another person exciting in a way that may be sensual or sexual. In other words, simply put, creating an intense sensation in another is fun for you.
An intense sensation doesn't have to be pain. It's like spicy food. Some people like spicy food and others like less spicy food. I love ghost peppers, but I don't always want that. Sometimes I just want a nice mac and cheese, and sometimes I want a bottle of sriracha sauce.
So masochism is what that person, at that moment, enjoys, experiencing intense sensation. Maybe they enjoy heavy massage, and if you like that, that is a form of intense sensation that you're receiving. So, in play, and I use that word intentionally, because this is about recreation-seeking behavior, and whether sadism or masochism, dominance or submission, this is about giving environmental enrichment and stimulus, and in other words, recreation.
With these words, sadism and masochism, some people get hung up on the idea that it's about causing pain or receiving pain. No, no, no, if you like to be, say, tickled a little too hard, kissed a little too hard, a little extra bite in the middle of a shag, that can also be the giving and receiving of sadism and masochism.
How do you propose introducing BDSM into the bedroom?
We're assuming that you already have a consensual sexual relationship with such a person. I'm going to just assume that.
Do not just start doing BDSM stuff in the middle of your regular, good sex without discussion. Do not do this. That may happen in fiction and in porn, and porn is visual fiction. A lot of things could happen in fiction that we should not do because, in fiction, everybody's a mind reader and, in reality, we are not. So, do not just do things without letting your partner know. Also, don't ask or demand it because that puts pressure on the other person and they may be uncomfortable.
Introduce it as your own curiosity [ed. note: preferably when clothed and outside of a sexual interaction] as, "Hey, I'm curious about BDSM. I don't know if I might like it, can we talk about if there's something we might explore?" Don't go for the, "Do this, do that at me," because that's a surefire way to make the other person feel unappreciated.
How do I discuss my boundaries with my partner without turning them off?
There's a difference between, "That's not my kink," and, "Ew, gross, I'm turned off.” Judgment versus, "Well, I'm just not into that," right? There's a difference between that, and having a conversation when it's low stakes, when you're not about to go play, and have a conversation around, "Hey, I have some things that I am interested in exploring and it's hard for me to talk about this. Will you tell me if there's something you don't like, but I'm really going to be sensitive about judgments, so I'm going to ask you to ... if it's something you don't like, just tell me pass, just say pass.” Essentially, asking, "Please accept me for the thing that I am going to share with you," and by not doing this when the stakes are high, so not doing this right before play, right before sex time or in the during or beginning of sexy time, because that's when the pressures are high. Don't do it when it's in those situations.
What are you anxious or nervous about? Are you nervous about seeing their facial reactions? Are you nervous about seeing their reaction or feeling like you're pressuring somebody to either accept or not accept? You can write it out, and writing some curiosities and fantasies might give the other person space to reflect upon it. In the writing, you can say that this is hard and I hope you will not judge me, that you will accept all that I am and tell me the things that you like. You don't even have to tell me the ones you don't like, just tell me the ones you like.
What does it mean to be vanilla, and if I prefer vanilla sex, does that mean I'm boring?
Oh, it makes me so annoyed when people equate vanilla with boring, and I think that is a knee-jerk reaction from folks who like kink being stigmatized for so long. Vanilla is but another glorious flavor. Kinky people also enjoy vanilla as well. It just depends on what night and what mood, but vanilla's just one of many varieties, and if something is boring, just use that word, boring.
This will change by time in history, but vanilla means that which the general public assumes is normative sex. That leaves a wide area! In the 1960s, pre-marital sex was kinky. Oral sex, 30 years ago. A woman having her own vibrator was scandalous not long ago, today it's like, "How many do you have and which kind do you like?" So, my definition would be what would be considered by general society as, quote, “normative” sex.
What are some common toys and tools used in BDSM practices? What are some toys and ways of dress that I can incorporate into practice?
Let's talk about attire first. There's no rule of what you're supposed to wear. What you're supposed to wear, whether you're topping or bottoming, is what would please you and what would delight you. So if that's butt naked, yay. If that's high heels, yay. If that's a Carhartt overall, yay. If it's an animal costume, yay. Oftentimes, the things that people wear during play, is something that helps you to take you out of the everyday adulting responsibility.
If in your everyday business you are naked, you live and work in a nudist colony, well, then naked is boring because that's everyday. Maybe you want to put clothes on and that's kinky. So it's something to take you out of context. I remember once playing with a play partner where I was actually wearing a Halloween witch hat and a tutu. Wear whatever that takes you a little out of the everyday. You get to be silly about this! So cheesy Halloween outfits are totally great. Superhero outfits, absolutely fine. Also, those are quite comfortable because they're often spandex. Clothing may be a prop because it gives each of the participants permission to be outside of their grownup self. So that's one of the functions of costuming.
Let's talk about toys. Your mileage will vary, not everyone will like these. For example, blind folds are great for some people, for other people it causes anxiety. If we're just starting off, find a pair of leather gloves. I don't mean gardening gloves, but a pair of nice, well-fitted leather gloves can be great for giving sexy spankings. For the person doing the spanking, it saves their hand, but it also is nice and warm and feels quite lovely.
Simple restraints are wonderful. I know right now rope bondage is a really big craze, but I would not suggest starting with rope. It can take a bit to learn that, so if we just want to dive into it, ready-made restraints and under-bed restraint systems are fantastic. They're essentially just an H-shaped webbing that goes under the bed; they have little clips on each end where you can put ready-made cuffs. What's fun for a prop is a good, sturdy ottoman, or a bench. Those are great to bend over upon, be restrained upon, or let's say that if we're playing a spanking game, if I'm doing the spanking, I might want to sit on the bench and have you lay across, lengthwise across me so it's more comfortable.
The Sex Ed Recommends
Sex & Mischief Bed Bondage Kit
Bedspread Under the Bed Bondage Straps
I have a great time going to furniture stores like IKEA, and looking around at kinky possibilities. There's some great stuff there. Pervertables is a whole category. Pervertables are ordinary objects that are maybe around your home that can be used for kinky purposes. For example, you know sports wraps or vet wraps? Those are great for simple, instant wrist restraints. You'll need a pair of safety scissors to cut it off, but it's made to be body-friendly and it's probably already in your medical cabinet. It's body-friendly, it's usually made in hypoallergenic material, so it doesn't cause skin issues. I get contact dermatitis from cheap plastic, but I'm not going to get that from vet wrap or sports wrap.
Cling wrap is great for wrists, great for bodies. Never on the face! It's also a nice way to accommodate for all the ranges of body mobility and not mobility. There's this myth that you have to be flexible to do bondage. Nope, nope, nope, nope. All that bondage is, is controlling or limiting the movement of others, and oftentimes, good supportive bondage will relieve a person of achy body parts. You don't have to support your own posture. In vanilla sex, missionary, holding your own legs up, I mean, come on, that hurts on the legs as well as the lower back.
The person receiving a missionary on their back and trying to hold our own knees up may get tired and distracted from the sex, but what if we use sports wrap or a commercially-made thigh harness or a cling wrap to attach my thigh to my torso, voilà.
So pervertables can also be little brushes, like hair brushes or any sort of brushes. It can be great because you can take a little makeup brush and run it across the nipples. Which also means that you don't have to spend a lot of money. Also, you get to show off your creativity because BDSM, like I said, is joyous play, is about creativity. Also, if you have kids, nosy roommates or you're in a living situation where your personal, erotic goods may be snooped upon or seen, this hides them in plain sight.
Long, skinny scarves are also fantastic, and go for the cheap ones. Like that ugly scarf that Aunt Mable gave you five years ago. You can say, "Oh, Aunt Mable, thanks for that scarf, really love it," but you don't have to say, "We really love it because I use it to tie my legs up.”
What are different classifications within the BDSM world?
The terminologies of styles, desires and appetites of play, the names can change. Some get more popular over a certain time, some get recognized as a separate way of playing. You do not have to belong or own or identify with any of these. These are just the flavor of your play style, so one of the important things I would like to caution against is these shorthands to explain what we want to do now, don't take that on as this is who you are and as a concrete aspect of you. This is where I like to use verbs and not nouns, for example, "I like to play in a bratty way," is very different from, "I am a brat," or, "I want to dominate you tonight," versus, "I am a dominant."
The action words can indicate your desire, as opposed to making it your whole identity. Commonly used shorthands for desire can include dominant and submissive. Dominant is the person who is in charge of the decision-making or the lead of this kinky dance, and submissive is the person who follows the decisions of the other in this kinky dance. Somebody who says that they are a top or they are a bottom. Top and bottom are really, really loose umbrella terms. Top can be, "I want to be in control. I want to be the choreographer of this experience." Top can also include, "I want to create sensations in you," meaning sadism, but somebody who's topping does not have to be both. They can be both but they don't have to. A top's just a really loose category, and bottom can include, "I want to follow your lead," and it can also include, "I want to experience intense sensation," but both are not required.
A way in which dominance and submission can be incorporated into your regular, good sex is what I call the telling, not asking, game. If we're partners and I like you going down on me and I say, "Hey, Annie, would you go down on me?" That's the asking and that may be your regular, good sex. Now, once in a while, I feel like I want to be the boss babe of our sex life, right? In which case I will tell you to do the thing I already know we both like to do, so I may say, "You will go down on me," and now I'm in charge.
The action from the outside looks the same. You're going down on me. While it might look the same from the outside, the intention changes for that night because I have made it a command, playful command, a mutually agreed upon playful command, on something that we already know we like from our regular, good sex, but I have just now made it into an order.
That is a way that one can explore dominance and submission without having to go the route of sadism and masochism. To do a lot of new things at once is really overwhelming, so don't worry about being perfect at everything out of the gate.
More Midori
