Lou Paget
Podcast Transcript Season 1 Episode 2
Interviewer: Liz Goldwyn
Liz Goldwyn: Hello, welcome to The Sex Ed. I'm your host, Liz Goldwyn, founder of thesexed.com, your number one source for sex, health and consciousness education. My guest today is Lou Paget, a certified sex educator who travels the world sharing accurate, practical information with honesty and accessibility. She's also the best selling author of five books on sexuality with more on the way. When I met up with Lou, she unloaded a suitcase filled with disembodied lifelike rubber genital replicas, and a year's worth of Uberlube. During her private show and tell, Lou and I talked about separating sexual fact from fiction, the different ways to communicate desire and how to connect your mind and body for an integrated sexual experience.
Liz Goldwyn: I'm here today with Lou Paget who is a sex educator extraordinaire. Thank you so much for being here.
Lou Paget: My pleasure. Truly.
Liz Goldwyn: How does one get to be a sex educator?
Lou Paget: I did it in a rather circuitous route. Most people will do it by going through a sciences program and then doing a masters or PhD. I did it because I had a hard sciences background, but I wanted the information for me. And I started creating seminars, which turned into two international best selling books. So I never did the masters. So my certification as an asex certified sex educator came about as a contributing body of knowledge to the field of sex education.
Liz Goldwyn: What were the names of your books?
Lou Paget: The first book is How to Be a Great Lover: Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Totally Explicit Techniques That Will Blow His Mind. Second was How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure: Totally Explicit Tips Every Woman Wants Her Man to Know. So these tend to be more in the heteronormative area and they both are on audio and available on Amazon.
Liz Goldwyn: You've told me before that when people traditionally have questions or go to get information about sex, they turn to their physicians, they turn to --if they’re in therapy-- their therapists, oftentimes a person of faith will turn to their Rabbi or their minister or their pastor, none of whom have traditional sexual health training. Where and how does a sex educator come in and fit into that space?
Lou Paget: Well, first off, it's like anything, you have to know what someone's credentials are. And if you are looking like many people are online for sex ed, as a matter of fact, just before I came over, I thought, I'm just going to stick this into YouTube and see what I get. The moment that you are looking at anything that has a bunch of “I” or “me” statements in it, you know this is probably not the best source of information for you. And indeed, physicians, people of faith and therapists, they have been highly trained in their area, but they haven't received good training in the area of sexual health at all.
And as a matter of fact, physicians, that is an area that's actually dropping off even more so. They're still being taught to the test, so they're writing to finish their MD exams, but it's often optional. So what I would suggest to people if they're looking for good sexuality education, find someone who has credentials or who has done the work before. Now, this is not to say that there aren't some people who are good, who are talking about their own experiences, but the main thing they're wanting to do is deliver information that's going to work for you, not for them. That's a big deciding factor when I look at information.
When I do my work, I want it to work for somebody else. It's not information about me. It's what thousands of others have shared. So I wanted to work for them in a way that can be anonymous, it can be private, but they can get a question answered. Like what is this thing about multiple orgasms? Are they there? Some people, yes. For many people, no. But there's also different definitions depending on if it is a female who's asking or if it's a male. And having someone tell you what works for them, may not necessarily be the thing that's going to work for you. A woman has an orgasmic fingerprint. Meaning, that she orgasms and receives pleasure in her own unique way. So someone telling you, you're supposed to have something occur the way that somebody else did, that's just flat out wrong.
Liz Goldwyn: And it can also make you feel a lot of shame if that's not your experience.
Lou Paget: Shame and embarrassment and, “What's wrong with me?”. All of those go together and they create a foundation on which you start building how you feel about your own sexuality. Not good. What I let people know is that there is such a range and your sexuality is an appetite. Sometime you want something, sometimes you want another thing. But the biggest thing people don't get is they don't get the permission factor to learn in an accurate way. And that was what made me crazy. That's why I started looking for the information for me. Everyone's saying, this is supposed to be so amazing. I'm not getting what I need. So I started asking hundreds of people what were the best things someone had ever done to them. And that's what created the seminars and then the books.
Liz Goldwyn: Creating your own data and analytics.
Lou Paget: Right. Because I have a hard sciences background. I knew when people were giving me information that resonated and I knew it was real. And I also knew when they weren't. One of the biggest things that I suggest to people is if they're listening to someone tell you how amazing they are, chances are this is their way of advertising and selling themselves. Because for the majority people who are really good, they don't say anything. And when someone is trying to tell someone you're supposed to have this reaction because that's what I expect of you. That's not fair. I don't care if you're with a new person or you're with your regular partner. Many times people have what I call psychic sex.
Liz Goldwyn: I actually would love to talk to you about what you've-- tell me what psychic sex is. What does that mean to you?
Lou Paget: Psychic sex means you think the other person should be able to read your mind about what you want to feel and what is going to be pleasurable for you. Couldn't be further from the truth. I use as an example a gentleman who had been widowed, and I was showing him different touch because touch is so crucially important. Having all the toys in the world, big deal. If you don't have that mental connection with someone, and that willingness to have an exchange-- because when you're having sex with someone, making love, whatever term you want, it is your body saying what words cannot. And many times we don't know how to ask for what we want.
So if you're new to the game or this is a new partner, or you've decided I'd like to try things with this sex now. Here's the thing about being a beginner. (Giggles) Hooray! Beginners have a lot of permission. Beginners aren't expected to know. But please do not think you have to try and figure out what someone else is thinking or what they might like. Ask them. Learn from kink. Kink has negotiated, they are clear about what they'd like to do. And many times people will say, “This worked for previous person, so I'll do this here.” Well, that may not work. May not work at all.
Because of what they've been eating, or any meds they might be taking, or if they're under the influence of something, things are not going to work the same. We are wet cell batteries. Everything we do is a positive and negative charge. So anything that interferes with that is also going to interfere with sexual function. Your whole body is a sex machine. Your hair, your shoulders, your back, your genitals, everything is included in what I perceive as a sexual being.
Liz Goldwyn: So when you talk about psychic sex, you're really talking about effectively communicating what our desires are. And you mentioned kink and fetish communities which are more comfortable with setting boundaries, with using safe words, with really talking about sex and making sure that it's all consensual-
Lou Paget: And what they want.
Liz Goldwyn: And what you want. What a partner wants. And this is not something that's practice very often within vanilla sex.
Lou Paget: Correct.
Liz Goldwyn: So you're suggesting we take a cue from these communities?
Lou Paget: Correct. And the other thing I make a suggestion to people, do not have the conversation about what you'd like to try when you are already horizontal. Have it when you are vertical. Have it in the light of day. When you are listening to them and you feel from the neck up, that's your brain running the program. When you feel it from the shoulders down, that's the area of your body that's going to tell you the truth. Your gut, it can't lie. So when I talk about psychic sex, it's that you're assuming things without really knowing. Many times what will happen is people will go along with something not really enjoying it. And then someone downloads what I call faulty software.
What is a skill set is knowing what you like and knowing what the other person likes. And many times people will touch the way they like to be touched. So for women whose skin tends to be more sensitive and not as thick as men's, a function of testosterone, women tend to like a softer, more gentle touch. Men tend to like a firmer, more direct touch. So when a woman says there or that's it, he will speed up and go harder because that's what he will do for himself when he's masturbating. And it isn't what works typically for women.
I had one woman who said, “I just want him to be there, there. That's what I want.” (Giggles) And her partner said, “I didn't know where, where was. Did I move from where? Where is where? How do I get back there?” And it was something that if she had used her hands to guide his hands, completely different feedback loop. The other thing, if you want to be able to guide someone, use one word. Don't use a whole sentence. “Lighter,” “Softer,” “Yes.” A sentence such as, “That's not really what I like,” is going to be heard as criticism. And that's one of the big things that we know that really shuts people down. What we know as sex educators is to give people an opening so that they feel heard, they feel understood, and they know that they have a voice in this entire equation.
Liz Goldwyn: Are you mostly speaking and educating to heteronormative audiences?
Lou Paget: When I first came out, yes. But as my work evolved, what also happened is that I would have people come to me for private sessions. As an example, a woman who had previously been mainly with men, was with her new partner who she was absolutely crazy about. But she really didn't know what to do with women. And she knew that I had the men seminar. So she came for a couple of sessions to increase her own level of comfort and confidence, because her new partner was very confident about what she liked. So this woman was like, “Okay, what do I need to know?” So I used the models that I use and three lessons and she was on her way.
Liz Goldwyn: You've said before that the most seductive behavior is attention.
Lou Paget: No question.
Liz Goldwyn: I'd love to know more about what that means.
Lou Paget: When attention is there, that is what will keep things going. The moment that attention's not there --if someone ghosts someone-- when the attention gets dropped off people's connections get dropped off.
Liz Goldwyn: You used a word that's bandied around a lot lately, which is ghosting. What do you think about this practice of ghosting? What's your-
Lou Paget: I think ghosting has been occurring for as long as we human beings have been around, they just gave it a term.
Liz Goldwyn: What did they call it in the 18th century, do you think?
Lou Paget: Dropping off. (Both laugh) Dropping off a cliff.
Liz Goldwyn: Not returning the letters, love letters.
Lou Paget: If you're in a relationship that you really shouldn't be in, do not pull apart that arm muscle fiber by muscle fiber. Cut it off. End it. You are going to feel so much better. And if someone calls you, you can say, “You know, I think you are terrific yet not for me. And I don't think either one of us needs to spend more time together.” The person may be crazy about you, that's okay. But just because someone likes you doesn't mean that there's a form of reciprocity that is inherent. It's not. That's why you call it stalking.
Liz Goldwyn: That's another behavior that goes on a lot.
Lou Paget: Unfortunately. They want attention for what they're doing. And you have to be aware and judging how much attention do I want to get over there? Because sometimes people want to just say, “I'm connected with X number of people.” Fine. But when you're dealing with a new person, it would be so nice to be able to have something on social media that would be like a little barometer. Like the little bars we have over here that would tell you whether or not their friends say they tell the truth, don't tell the truth.
They do this behavior, they do that behavior. Because the real thing that will often give you the information are the friends. But many times when we're on social media with people, we don't know who the friends are. We may have 18 people over here or a peer group, but many times you don't know what their actual behaviors are.
Liz Goldwyn: I feel very strongly that texting without real face to face interaction creates a false sense of intimacy. Especially when people are dating online, they really develop some kind of faux emotional relationship without the body language, the vocal inflections to back it up. And I've seen a lot of people get emotionally devastated by these relationships that essentially have developed strictly in a digital-
Lou Paget: They've only developed in their mind. You need to find out what this person is looking for. But the nuances of conversation face to face, that is becoming, sadly, a bit of a lost art. And that's something that we learned from the time we're scrambling around in caves. That was one of the things that kept us safe, is our ability to observe body language. When people aren't paying attention or they can't, it ends up being a faux relationship that does not develop connection. Look, if you're-
Liz Goldwyn: And intimacy.
Lou Paget: Correct.
Liz Goldwyn: Real intimacy.
Lou Paget: Yeah. If you're a human being, and you're around other human beings, chances are you've been emotionally hurt. That's part of the whole process. That's how we learn about relationships. Finding out that person did not tell me the truth, or this person just wanted this from me. And the ability to be a little more harsh of one's intentions are is one of the things that people don't talk a lot about on social media.
Liz Goldwyn: I know you have very strong views about how medication, specifically antidepressants and also birth control, affect libido, which I don't feel we talk about enough culturally, and I'm wondering if you could share some of your views on that.
Lou Paget: I'll use an anecdote of my own. There was a woman who could not have an orgasm. She was absolutely frantic. She and her husband have been married for years, they had three children. And she was out of her mind. She was sobbing and weeping because that part of her life was no longer there. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was because of the meds she was taking. And finally I put it together and I called her and I said, "Are you taking,” and it was a particular antidepressant, and she said, "Yes." I said, "How long have you been taking it?" And at this point, so this was 15 years ago, we really did not have a lot of good information.
What I saw with that is people having issues connecting because they had no libido, they had genital anesthesia, they couldn't feel anything, and they were unorgasmic. To go to the oral birth control, particularly the type that is so called “beautifying.” In other words, it reduces the androgens, the testosterone that is in a woman's system, so there's no breakout of acne during her monthly cycle. Those are the most impactful because women don't have as much testosterone in their system as men do. So this thing that binds with it to block it, what do you think that does? There goes libido. Bing!
Now, when I was going in to have a breast ultrasound, they're covering me up with goop. The woman who was my radiologist, the MD, she grabs this young woman who was a tech and she said, “Here, talk to Lou, she'll give you the answers you're looking for.” Now, this is a medical office. It is women's sexual health. And they don't have the answers to tell this young woman. And I said, as I'm lying there, and the little wands going all over me, I said, "What seems to be the issue?" And she said, "I just got married. I was crazy about my husband. I was so turned on by him. We get married. I don't know what happened. I have no more sex drive." And I just asked one question.
I said, "What birth control are you on?" And she said, "Birth control?" I said, "Yeah, which one are you on?" And she said, "Yaz." So it's Yaz, Yasmin and Ocella is the trade name. And I said, "That's your answer." She said, "It is?" I said, "Absolutely." The important thing about the oral birth control is your libido will drop. And I've done presentations for groups of women, students at UCLA, and they said as soon as they got off of it, their libido came back. And the physicians won't talk to you about it.
And the reason they often won't, they are an end-of-one, meaning, a study group of one. And their only references, relative to sexuality and sexual behavior, are their own, and they're not going to talk to you about what they do. So they'll brush it off. This is just something that occurs for some people. Well, it can be really anxiety-provoking for someone who thought they understood their body and who's learning about their body.
Liz Goldwyn: I know that you have a more holistic approach to addressing sexuality and, in fact, you've advocated the use of essential oils to heighten sexual experience. What kind of oils do you suggest and how do we use them?
Lou Paget: First thing I would suggest is make sure you get a good therapeutic organic oil.
Liz Goldwyn: Like a doTERRA?
Lou Paget: Like a doTERRA or Young Living. I would not recommend the things that are stocked at whole foods. Sadly, they are lower grade and they have not been extracted. I have a botany background. So I understand what the essential component of these oils is. Everything that started as a treatment for anything thing about our bodies, where do you think these things came from?
Liz Goldwyn: Plant medicine.
Lou Paget: Plants! Hello! I mean, they would not be able to get aspirin as an over-the-counter medication now, given how strong it is. But, I mean, it's based on acetoacetic acid, is based on the Salix tree, the birch tree. But when you look at the oils, ylang-ylang is one that is mood inducing. If you look at something that wants to heighten sensation, either with scent or on body, a nice peppermint. But here's the thing about essential oils that-
Liz Goldwyn: I used to be careful with peppermint, not to touch your genitals.
Lou Paget: Thank you! You have to make sure that whatever you are using, that is what they call the “hot oils,” the “warm oils,”; clove, peppermint, that mucosal membranes, either orally, genitally, anally, you have got to make sure that those heat oils-- no touching there. The reason essential oils work so quickly, is all the nerves in your nose, they're just great big, huge, long neurons that go vwoop! straight to the area of your brain that gets activated (snaps) like that when you sent it. The whole brain goes like this, Oo! you don't have to eat it and have it go through the whole GI tract and then have to be absorbed. You get everything right now. Anyone who's ever gone to a spa, you have received the therapeutic benefit of lavender.
Liz Goldwyn: I'm wearing lavender right now (both laugh). What are your favorite lubricants, natural and synthetic?
Lou Paget: For anyone wanting to use a natural oil, I would suggest a virgin unrefined coconut or a Jojoba.
Liz Goldwyn: What about the interaction with latex-based condoms?
Lou Paget: (British accent) I was going to that one next. (Liz laughs) (Regular voice) However, if you are having some form of protective sex with a latex barrier, these are not your go-to's. I would use the silicone. Actually, I did bring some samples for everyone here today. It is called Uberlube and great thing about, it can be used on your hair, it can be used on your body for massage, it can be used genitally and it can be used during sports like riding a bike or something. All around, great product. But the real thing that most women have to do, check in with your own body about what works. I always recommend nothing with fragrance. It's just so much easier. And please do not douche. Please do not douche.
Liz Goldwyn: Let's talk about that for a second.
Lou Paget: The vaginal vault is one of the most self-maintaining and self-cleansing environments of your entire body. When you are introducing something that is foreign, whether it is fingers, tongue, penis, toys, you have to be aware that you're introducing a different level of bacteria into it. Now, where do you think bacteria like to grow? Someplace that's warm, that's moist, that's dark. What you can do is soap, water. The douching itself basically removes all of the normal, healthy bacteria that are In the vaginal vault.
Lou Paget: I remember hearing this one OB-GYN, obstetric gynecologist, who said, “Women who douche pay my mortgage.” In other words, these are the women coming in to see him who have vaginitis-- inflammation or an irritation of the vagina. They may have a yeast infection, and it's because they've been douching. And be careful of harsh soaps in that area.
Liz Goldwyn: You talk a lot about your favorite oral sex techniques. And you've told me a bit about the Kivin Method. But I'm hoping that you can elaborate for our listeners on techniques to give great fellatio and cunnilingus.
Lou Paget: So, you have a partner who happens to be female. For this female partner, it's a combination of heat, pressure and moisture that makes the difference. So it's called the Kivin Method, instead of being between the legs, be at a 90 degree angle. At the hips, just above where the genitals are. And one arm will go underneath the leg that's closest and the other hand will pull back the fleshy part at the top of the genitals. The arm that's underneath the leg is going to go to the area at the bottom of the entry into the vagina.
So, close your eyes and picture you're on the side, your head is just above where their genitals are. One arm is underneath the leg holding it, and the other is holding back the pubis mons. Use the middle finger and it's going to go on to the area at the bottom of the introitus. That area, so many people call it the taint. Because what you're doing is creating an immediate feedback loop. When your tongue is stroking in the correct place, and I'll tell you exactly where it's going to be stroking in a moment, you will be getting an immediate feedback loop on this hand that's under the leg. Your finger will sit there, it's not moving. The only thing your finger is doing is giving you the feedback.
Now, you are about to start using your tongue in a back and forth motion over the hood of the clitoris. And the more you pull back on the top of where the pubic hair is or what limited pubic hair there might be, you are going to be exposing more of the clitoral glands of the woman. And you're not doing a great big, huge sweeping stroke, you were using the pointed tongue and just going back and forth over the clitoris itself. And when your tongue is in the right place, at the most sensitive area, and you're going back and forth on two little points, it may feel like two little half grains of rice or two little dots, and those are your anchor points.
When you are stroking in the right place, that left hand finger, that middle finger that's not moving, that is just sitting right there, you will be feeling pre-orgasmic contractions that tells you you’re in the right place. This is one of the fastest and most effective ways to create pleasure for a female partner using cunnilingus. The partners only responsibility is to receive. It tends to be by far more effective than just the stroking back up and forth between the legs.
Liz Goldwyn: And what about fellatio?
Lou Paget: Ryan was my gay friend who taught me on a spoon at his house in the middle of the day. And, first thing he said to me is, “Make sure you're using both your hands.” The hands are going to be on top of one another, building a little tower with both hands. The other thing you need to do is make sure you have enough lubricant. You can put on a lubricant that you like the taste of, or you can just use your own saliva, up to you. You're going to have your hands one on top of the other. They don't separate, they stay together. If they separate, you are basically going to create sensation in two different areas. You do not have to wrap your lips over your teeth.
Open your mouth and seal your mouth on your hand at the top. That's what I call the fingers together. The thumb and the forefinger together. I call that the ring. Then the seal is your mouth seals on top. In essence, you are creating sort of a faux body part, creating sensation that is not just one motion. You're going to be bringing into the equation about four different motions. You've got an up and down motion, you have a twisting motion. You have your mouth sealed on top, if people can imagine that. And then your tongue, your tongue is also in motion there.
Now remember, your tongue has two surfaces. It's got the tastebud surface, and then it's got an underneath surface. And that underneath surface, if you curve it up, you can use that attached on your upper lip and go back and forth on the frenulum. And frenulum means skin attachment point. And that tends to be the most sensitive area for many men, particularly men who have been circumcised.
Liz Goldwyn: We've talked outside of this interview about all the different kinds of orgasms that we can have. So I would love for you to walk me through a bit, how many kinds of orgasms can we have and, in particular, the difference between G-spot, vaginal, cervical, anal-
Lou Paget: All of those.
Liz Goldwyn: Orgasms. Yes. (Both laugh)
Lou Paget: Okay, here we go. The reason I wrote my third book Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming was because I found that there were so many different areas where people would talk about multiple or blended or simultaneous or ... I thought, there isn't one place where all the information is. So women are capable of having 11 different types of orgasms. When people hear that, this is not about this is a grocery list and you have to go down and experience each of them.
To the contrary, my mentor, Dr. Beverly Whipple, who named the G-spot the G-spot with Ladas, Khan and Perry. She's the one who said, "Lou, the most important thing that you can do is validate when people are experiencing something." So I looked at what is possible for people to experience. Women can have orgasms strictly from having breast stimulated, nipple stimulated, mouth, obviously vagina, and that would be clitoral, that would also be urethral. Because the clitoris is surrounded, has it's almost like a big huge wish bone of tissue, and the urethra is surrounded on three sides by the clitoris.
So, how people will often discover a urethral orgasm is if someone is performing oral sex on their partner and they wrap their lower lip over the area of their bottom teeth and push up while they're stimulating with their tongue or with the finger, they can often have a urethral orgasm. The urethra, the vagina, the anterior fornix erotic zone, that's a little further back into the vaginal vault, the G-spot area, the cervix --which is much deeper in-- anal, blended orgasm --which would be more than two areas being stimulated at the same time. So all these others that I've spoken of, it's just that area of being stimulated.
Zone orgasm. So an area of your body you would not typically think of as being highly erogenous; lower back, inside of a thigh, back of a knee. And these will often occur for people when they're having a massage or when they're highly, highly relaxed. And they're kind of like, “Whoa, where did that come from?” And they're not expecting it. And then the last is a core orgasm. When you think about what powers an orgasm? Blood and oxygen. When they did research on this, they said-- I think Indiana University, Dr. Debby Herbenick-- they looked at people who had done very strong cardio and then started doing really strong crunches.
What happened is the blood had pooled into the pelvic area. And then with the crunches, they were putting a lot of pressure onto the nerves that are the triggers for orgasms. Men, they can have mouth, breast, nipple, penile orgasm, they can have an anal orgasm, blended orgasm, prostate --male G-spot-- zone orgasms --so an area they won't expect-- blended, and core.
Liz Goldwyn: Let's talk a little bit about the prostate and how we can stimulate the prostate to increase pleasure.
Lou Paget: There are nerves on the lateral, meaning the sides, of the prostate. Those are the nerves that are responsible for stimulating blood to flow into the penis. There are products that are designed specifically for stimulating the prostate. Charlie Glickman did The Prostate Guidebook, and it literally goes through all the different ways to stimulate and pleasure oneself. The thing that you're looking to do is have a firm, rounded toy.
For many men, the first time that they experience it with someone, it is an orgasm unlike they'd ever had because it's so intense. Because it's bringing in the two different nerve pathways for men. The penis is the pudendal nerve pathway, the pelvic hypogastric --hypo meaning low gastric below the stomach. The pelvic hypogastric is the one that's associated with the prostate, that entire area, and then coming down to the urethra.
Liz Goldwyn: What if a man isn't comfortable using a toy?
Lou Paget: You then ask the question, “Would you be comfortable wanting to try just a hand?” For some men, they are not comfortable having any form of penetration, whether they think, “I must be secretly gay if I enjoy this.” If you're gay, you know you're gay. You don't need to have something go into your body to know you're gay. It's another area of your body. If you think of it this way, we're all bored of sexuality. It's where we come from. Babies explore their entire world with their mouths. This is one area of how you explore someone's body. And this is very similar in sensation to what the anus would be.
Liz Goldwyn: How can you be safe with anal play with fingernails.
Lou Paget: Finger cots. Get a little, almost like a little mini-condom for your fingers. Finger cots. Go into any drugstore, a finger cot will be the thing that they will tell you if you've got a cut on your finger, typically have a bandaid and then you put a little plastic thing over it, that's a finger cot. Or you can use a condom. The big thing about using anything is making sure that you have enough lubricant with it. That area is not self-lubricating.
So you're going to need to make sure that you have a thick enough, stays in place lubricant. The big thing is your hands are clean, they're [your partner is] clean. If someone does this regularly, they probably more likely would be prone to doing an enema beforehand, to make sure that everything is cleaned out. It all depends on the person and their comfort level.
Liz Goldwyn: So many people ask about Tantra, and how to-- which we won't get into the entire definition of Tantra because it's a whole other show-- but how we can use some of the tips from Tantra to practice a slower, less goal-based sexual experience. Where can we start with this?
Lou Paget: The breathing. If we think about what happens as we learn about our sexuality, particularly for males, we have what we call the nerve response pathway. As young men are learning about their bodies, they will often learn how to masturbate very quickly so that no one catches them. So what they do is they lay down a very quick nerve response pathway. So, when you are using any of the techniques of Tantra, one of the best things you can do is breathing in for a count of say, four, and then breathing out for seven or eight will calm everything. And being able to just watch one another.
Most people are not comfortable with really strong eye contact. If there's a way for someone to learn more about Tantra it's to get comfortable with five minutes of meditation first thing in the morning, something that has them center into their entire body, not just the genitals. And for many people, they will tell me that they went on a Tantra weekend and, you know, had all of these things. Well, Tantra is so nuanced and so studied, you can learn certain things on a weekend. But chances are, you're going to have to keep practicing them.
Liz Goldwyn: And Kegels.
Lou Paget: There we go!
Liz Goldwyn: Practicing our Kegels.
Lou Paget: There we go. The Kegels exercise is named after Dr. Kegel, who, when women were post-pregnancy, they were dealing with bladder issues. And he came up with the exercises of contracting the PC muscle-- the pubococcygeus. Meaning, going from the pubic bone to the coccyx. So pubococcygeus. It's like a thin little muscle. But it is the thin little muscle that contracts during orgasm. So we know the more toned the PC muscle is for a female body and for a male body, invariably, the more intense the orgasmic response or the ability to control and contract firmly.
So women were then taught, do this so that you can have better bladder control. If you think about it, it's like a little hammock. And during pregnancy, it gets very stretched out. But being able to tighten it back up, basically creates better structure through the entire pelvis and better bladder control. But what also was happening is that these women were having much better orgasms and becoming orgasmic again, which for some of them that was kind of like, “Pshh! Forget it, nothing happening.” So Kegel brought this forward. There's toys that you can use. Some that have little meters on them that you can practice your own, so you can get used to it.
But here's what I tell women to do. If you want to know how strong your Kegels are, put your finger into your vagina, in past the introitus, the entry and tighten around it. If it feels like a thin little line, you may need to do a little work. Now then put in two fingers and see how it feels. Then you can get your own feedback. When you're coming to a red light, contract while you're at the red light. Drive on, contract when you're at the red light. And you can flutter, you can do strong hold, you can breathe in, you can breathe out. Again, the breathing. And men can do the same thing. They can typically do it more easily for themselves when they have an erection and they can watch themselves bounce and dance with the contraction of the PC muscle.
Liz Goldwyn: How important is masturbation for overall sexual health?
Lou Paget: I totally agree with Dr. Jocelyn Elders. It is one of the most natural things and it is a subject area that people really should learn about as they are growing up. She ended up getting absolutely hung out to dry by the Clinton administration. And it was an off-the-cuff comment as she was walking away from a major conference. And that's what turned into the witch hunt to get rid of her. This was after Clinton had asked her specifically to come from Arkansas to be the Surgeon General, which is the nation's doctor. Anyways, masturbation is how you learn about your own body. Knowing your own pleasure potential is incredible. If a partner asked you, you can tell them.
Liz Goldwyn: What would be the one piece of advice that you would offer people listening to this who wouldn't have access to a one-on-one session with you? Is there one sort of takeaway homework you would give?
Lou Paget: I have to choose one? (Both laugh) I'm just going to say that I can do two. First thing, learn what you like and what turns you on. And also be prepared that what may have worked before may not be the thing that works for you any longer. And don't let anyone try and tell you, you have to have sex a particular way, or have to behave sexually a particular way, based on what is their parameters. Your sex life and your sexual health and your sexual body are yours, and only yours.
Liz Goldwyn: What are you still learning about sex?
Lou Paget: The variations of it and how people identify uniquely. Some people identify as one thing. And it could be a similar behavior to someone over here, but they have a different term for it. How tough is my job? I get to read and talk about sex all day. One of the things I knew when I first started doing my seminars, I was always going to be a student. And the moment you stop being a student about something, you have shot yourself in the foot. You know, I learn every day. And one of the things that I made-- I have always had the attitude, if I stop learning, I'm not moving forward. And my job is to deliver accurate information.
So I've been a student, you know, for the last 20 years learning, you know, presenting worldwide, writing books. The thing that I'm finding now is how uniquely each person identifies what their sexual identity is, what their gender identity is. There may be two exactly the same behaviors, in my mind, but they want to have themselves referred to by what acknowledges them. And that's something that we all are on a learning curve with. What I'm also seeing is that there's a number of different communities that are very fluid. All of them, if this is how they feel, and this is how they identify, that's up to them.
Liz Goldwyn: Thank you so much.
Lou Paget: My pleasure.
Liz Goldwyn: That was great.
Liz Goldwyn: That was my conversation with author and sex educator Lou Paget. You can find more of Lou including links to her books, Orgasms and How to Be a Great Lover, at loupaget.com. Thanks for listening to The Sex Ed. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts. And be sure to visit us at thesexed.com. I'm your host, Liz Goldwyn.
This episode was produced by Aesli Grandi for The Media Mob in association with Fanny Co. Our editor is Rob Abear. Jackie Wilson is our line producer, Jeremy Emery is our sound recordist and Bettina Santo Domingo is our coordinator. Lewis Lazar made all of our music including the track you're listening to right now. As always, The Sex Ed remains dedicated to expanding your orgasmic health and sexual consciousness. Thanks again for listening.